with a little help from my friends

covenant has given me better friends than i could have ever asked for. almost as good as my brothers. matter of fact, i think some of them i would consider family. okay like 3. 4 tops. no probably just 3. anyway, ive always been a little skeptical with friends. its not that i dont trust them or anything like that, its just that i sometimes very selfishly assume them to be using my friendship as something for their own individual gain, presenting itself through some form of pressure on me to be someone that i am not. its really frustrating, and ultimately its why my close friends are so close. and so few in number --> i know and believe they arent expecting anything from me apart from me. (not that the others are... i just feel like they are.)

that being said, its sadly very dangerous to be close with a select few. at least for me. this is true bc we get too comfortable. its not like we try to be, we just get that way over time. we look to one another before God. we see sin in each other's lives but it no longer looks like sin. rather it looks like personality or some form of harmless expression. its dangerous. very dangerous. and this is the very thing that i hate! --- with all my heart! i can talk to you all day about how disgusted i am with the somewhat nonchalant, borderline apathetic, very egotistical, and depressingly stagnant approach towards Christianity, outreach, and the building up of community in the body of Christ from which many Christians suffer. and here i am... mister "listen up heathens im here to save the day and point you back to the cross" doing the very things that i supposedly hate. well i really do hate them, i just dont trust and believe in the promises of my King.

so.... as this sin stealthily works its way in and through my close relationships in an ever so deceptive manner, i become blind to my own sin.

----(im never blind to the sin of others. so if you ever need help finding the sin in your life, i am but one call away. we can set up an appointment and in less than thirty minutes i can show you the multitudes of sin in your life. you will see your own sin as you never have before, promises of my thirty minute guarantee, or your money back. the only rules are that you refrain from asking me questions concerning my own life.) ha. that was kinda fun.

anyway, being blind to the sin in each others lives, my friends and i rarely call one another out - even when we can see the sin clear as the nose on your face. and mine. so we just sit there, content with our security in one another, stagnant. that is until monday night...

one of my friends of two years took a stand. it was unexpected, out of the ordinary, and beautifully humiliating. let me lay this out for you:

i get an email from a friend who was not - but is now - considered family. the email expressed a desire to catch up in a sense and "talk about life." i was intrigued and bc i really do enjoy talking one on one with people i was quick to agree. we end up at waffle house late monday night for what was expected in my mind to be a fun time filled with laughter and storytelling. i was a little off in my assumption. (which now seems to be a trend in my life. assumptions = ignorance. for me anyway.) so we sat down, ordered a couple waffles, sipped on some coffee and awaited the guaranteed indigestion which follows any waffle house meal. i can recall the first question word for word: "dane, what are you doing?" i was slightly confused so i responded "eating at waffle house." (sarcasm is always my out, as if you dont already know.) my joke didnt really work and i was greeted with a face of disgust. but it was somehow beautiful. the conversation then developed and i was called out by this friend of mine concerning the manner in which i was living. they asked me to consider my decisions, both large and small, and to weigh their consequences. and what was unique about this was that the main consequence noted was the influence i was having on my friends. i was shocked. i was broken. i was vulnerable. i was helpless, speechless, and humbled. but i was simultaneously loved. cared for. respected. all through a tangible belief in me from my friend, which i know to be possible only through the Spirit actively bearing fruit in their heart. i was so broken at waffle house. so ashamed. but i was so in love. i was actually able to experience the joy of surrender and i can honestly say there is not a better feeling. i saw Christ in my friend and i felt His perfect love. i had been living what i thought to be a worthy life, when in reality i was as far away from Him as i had ever been.

oswald chambers talks about the times we feel apart from God, unable to hear His voice and feel His love. he reminds us that in those times God is still all around us - in commonplace things and even better, our friends. i agree. when we are feeling distant from His voice and love, when the Bible sadly seems to be nothing more than words, our friends serve as a refuge where we can find Him again. through their experiences and words, we should be able to see Him again. and in that we should find some form of desire created by the Spirit living in us to seek after Him in passion and love. my friend did this for me. and whats crazy is that i didnt even look for it - i wasnt looking for refuge, but it came to me anyway. and everything that was said was done so in such a humble manner that it convicted my heart even further. all i could feel was love. even as i sat there speechless and vulnerable i knew i was loved. i never once questioned any motives or intentions of my friend bc i knew it was God speaking to me. even as this friend of mine was confronting me about the sin in my life, calling me out on the things ive been doing wrong, His love surrounded me and it was so beautiful i could actually relax in it. it was perfect love. (this is a skill i lack. maybe its tact. maybe its just a committed relationship to my Savior?)

i could go on and on about how i didnt deserve this treatment from my friend bc of the past and the different directions we have gone, but now i see it as the work of the Holy Spirit. and even though this friend of mine had more than enough reason to neglect me and leave me in my confidently secure pattern of life, it didnt happen bc of their complete submission to Him. im telling you its so beautifully orchestrated, so intricately designed - its more than just a testimony and encouragement to me, its like a revelation of sorts. its pure love. love only possible through Christ. i feel now as though i owe something to my friend. i know that i dont but im just so undeserving of this love. (what a picture of Christ!) its like guilt. ha... guilt. i could make another novel of a post on that.

anyway, i ask for your prayer. i ask that you pray for me wisdom, love, devotion, and complete submission. i want to be one who goes to my friends just as my friend did. i know this is only possible when i submit myself as an instrument for His service. im not completely there yet. for now, its only when im comfortable. only when i want to. but i dont want it to be that way. i want to do His work even when im feeling insecure, uncomfortable, and inadequate. so pray for me that i would rest in His promises because in Him we will not lose. its just not an option. He is forever sovereign. we just have to recognize His definition of victory and forget our own sinful and selfish one.

?

since December I have pulled my hamstring 3 times, consequently leaving me on the sidelines for the better half of basketball season. in case you didnt know, basketball was the real reason I was excited about college. Even at huntingdon. It was never class. It was never the opportunity to grow and learn about culture or myself or other people or anything like that. It was all about ball.

So here I am, now in my second semester of my fourth year of college, a first semester senior, and im still thinking about ball. Growing up it was all I knew and even as my interests have broadened, my thoughts still swarm around sports of all kinds. Especially basketball. Looking back, I see myself as a little kid playing ball at lakeside and moody and briarwood and it was all so much fun. Then I fast forward to high school and I see an arrogant 9^th grader who wanted nothing more than to play ball and show everybody what he could do. 10^th grade offered an alternate route – same for my 11^th grade year – as I recovered from two torn acls suffered during football season. 12^th grade I was back on the court but it wasn’t the same. To be honest it has never been the same since then. Yeah I still love the game, but the way I play has changed.

I left after my senior year of high school for huntingdon where I intended to be the starting point guard. After working my way up the roster I figured to be an important player on a team loaded with upperclassmen. Once again an alternate route was presented to me with less than a week before our first game - this time in the form of a stress fracture on my right foot. I was out for a month and when I returned (severely out of shape) I found playing time rather hard to come by.

The following summer I decided to transfer to Covenant. I didn’t really expect to play ball. I just desired a change of scenery and I actually kinda liked the idea of being at a school that my dad really liked. I mean, its pca. Anyway, one day after playing pick up ball, I decided to email the coach at covenant and see if there was any possible way I could play. He soon responded and told me that I was guaranteed a spot on the jv team that they just happened to be starting that year and that I would also be given the opportunity to play for the varsity. I was pretty excited. I talked to both coaches – jv and varsity – numerous times on the phone and I was anxious to arrive on campus. That season I was able to play for the jv team and of course I was also able to severely sprain my ankle - bad enough that I had to wear a boot for over a month. Anyway, the season ended prematurely and I was stuck waiting on the next year. Throughout the rest of that school year and the following summer, I thought about playing ball and whether or not it was worth my time and energy. Covenant is pretty challenging academically and my grades were starting to suffer. I was set on never playing again… atleast for a school.

The next year, my second at covenant, welcomed a new coach. He earned my respect right away. I teased the idea of trying out for him but I stuck with my decision to not play… that is until I started playing pick up ball with the varsity guys. The more I played the more I liked it. Then one day two of the seniors on the team came and asked me to play - one of whom I deeply respect and still do to this day. I couldn’t say no. I sat down with the new coach and he agreed to let me come on at Christmas, provided that my grades were in order. Needless to say, I messed up my ankle again and by the time I was ready to play I got in for about one minute at a time. It was almost like a waste. However, having already committed to the team, I stayed with them through spring practice and on into this year.

This year welcomed another ankle injury. Luckily it was before any games and I was back in the lineup before anyone could notice. I was thinking this might actually be the year. The first game of the season I had what was and still is probably the best game of my collegiate career and I was high as a kite. I was thinking… finally! But, as you already know, there was something else in store.

so here in the present, im stuck with another season down the drain. Yeah I can still play next year but at what cost? I mean, will I go through all of the preseason junk only to get hurt in the regular season again? I hope not. Im not going to quit but its hard to think about another injury. And where is God in all of this? That’s my real question. And im not even sure if it’s a question I should be asking. I just know that as of right now, His face is hidden from me and im drowning in a sea of my own ideas about what could possibly be going on -not to mention what He could possibly be trying to teach me. And I hate that bc its not my job to decipher what He is trying to teach me. I just need to trust in Him. He will provide. He will love me and He will be my source of strength – even when im physically weak. He has already promised me that He will work for the good in my life. I need only to believe. It is really hard to focus on that right now. Its really hard to accept what is taking place right now in my life. It makes me angry and exposes my selfishness. I wonder why this has been a recurring theme throughout my athletic career. What have I been missing? Im telling you there are one million and one questions stabbing me in my side. Its very frustrating. And with no answers! Ahhh!! Haha.. I mean seriously…

anyway, all that said im a little confused right now. Im also a little angry and im definitely frustrated. I need to believe and trust that our Lord is sovereign but Im telling you its never been this hard. And just so you know… its not all bball. There are other things too. But id rather not talk about them now. Maybe later. Either way, I humbly request your prayers. Prayers for peace, for encouragement, for my unbelief. I need them.