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since December I have pulled my hamstring 3 times, consequently leaving me on the sidelines for the better half of basketball season. in case you didnt know, basketball was the real reason I was excited about college. Even at huntingdon. It was never class. It was never the opportunity to grow and learn about culture or myself or other people or anything like that. It was all about ball.

So here I am, now in my second semester of my fourth year of college, a first semester senior, and im still thinking about ball. Growing up it was all I knew and even as my interests have broadened, my thoughts still swarm around sports of all kinds. Especially basketball. Looking back, I see myself as a little kid playing ball at lakeside and moody and briarwood and it was all so much fun. Then I fast forward to high school and I see an arrogant 9^th grader who wanted nothing more than to play ball and show everybody what he could do. 10^th grade offered an alternate route – same for my 11^th grade year – as I recovered from two torn acls suffered during football season. 12^th grade I was back on the court but it wasn’t the same. To be honest it has never been the same since then. Yeah I still love the game, but the way I play has changed.

I left after my senior year of high school for huntingdon where I intended to be the starting point guard. After working my way up the roster I figured to be an important player on a team loaded with upperclassmen. Once again an alternate route was presented to me with less than a week before our first game - this time in the form of a stress fracture on my right foot. I was out for a month and when I returned (severely out of shape) I found playing time rather hard to come by.

The following summer I decided to transfer to Covenant. I didn’t really expect to play ball. I just desired a change of scenery and I actually kinda liked the idea of being at a school that my dad really liked. I mean, its pca. Anyway, one day after playing pick up ball, I decided to email the coach at covenant and see if there was any possible way I could play. He soon responded and told me that I was guaranteed a spot on the jv team that they just happened to be starting that year and that I would also be given the opportunity to play for the varsity. I was pretty excited. I talked to both coaches – jv and varsity – numerous times on the phone and I was anxious to arrive on campus. That season I was able to play for the jv team and of course I was also able to severely sprain my ankle - bad enough that I had to wear a boot for over a month. Anyway, the season ended prematurely and I was stuck waiting on the next year. Throughout the rest of that school year and the following summer, I thought about playing ball and whether or not it was worth my time and energy. Covenant is pretty challenging academically and my grades were starting to suffer. I was set on never playing again… atleast for a school.

The next year, my second at covenant, welcomed a new coach. He earned my respect right away. I teased the idea of trying out for him but I stuck with my decision to not play… that is until I started playing pick up ball with the varsity guys. The more I played the more I liked it. Then one day two of the seniors on the team came and asked me to play - one of whom I deeply respect and still do to this day. I couldn’t say no. I sat down with the new coach and he agreed to let me come on at Christmas, provided that my grades were in order. Needless to say, I messed up my ankle again and by the time I was ready to play I got in for about one minute at a time. It was almost like a waste. However, having already committed to the team, I stayed with them through spring practice and on into this year.

This year welcomed another ankle injury. Luckily it was before any games and I was back in the lineup before anyone could notice. I was thinking this might actually be the year. The first game of the season I had what was and still is probably the best game of my collegiate career and I was high as a kite. I was thinking… finally! But, as you already know, there was something else in store.

so here in the present, im stuck with another season down the drain. Yeah I can still play next year but at what cost? I mean, will I go through all of the preseason junk only to get hurt in the regular season again? I hope not. Im not going to quit but its hard to think about another injury. And where is God in all of this? That’s my real question. And im not even sure if it’s a question I should be asking. I just know that as of right now, His face is hidden from me and im drowning in a sea of my own ideas about what could possibly be going on -not to mention what He could possibly be trying to teach me. And I hate that bc its not my job to decipher what He is trying to teach me. I just need to trust in Him. He will provide. He will love me and He will be my source of strength – even when im physically weak. He has already promised me that He will work for the good in my life. I need only to believe. It is really hard to focus on that right now. Its really hard to accept what is taking place right now in my life. It makes me angry and exposes my selfishness. I wonder why this has been a recurring theme throughout my athletic career. What have I been missing? Im telling you there are one million and one questions stabbing me in my side. Its very frustrating. And with no answers! Ahhh!! Haha.. I mean seriously…

anyway, all that said im a little confused right now. Im also a little angry and im definitely frustrated. I need to believe and trust that our Lord is sovereign but Im telling you its never been this hard. And just so you know… its not all bball. There are other things too. But id rather not talk about them now. Maybe later. Either way, I humbly request your prayers. Prayers for peace, for encouragement, for my unbelief. I need them.