scholarship weekend

this past weekend at covenant welcomed over a hundred high school students who were all competing for the illustrious maclellan scholarship, which is of course the best scholarship one can earn here atop lookout. i myself am a recipient of this impressive scholarship and seeing all of these high school seniors here over the weekend competing carried me back in time. the competition was and still is rather fierce but the best part of it all is seeing how obnoxiously these people dress in effort to better impress the faculty. haha... i feel it is something everyone should see before they die. anyway, i had the opportunity to sit and visit with many of the visiting students and was even able to house one student in my fortress of a dorm room. it was great to wake up to the sound of this guys alarm every morn around the brutal hour of six. (one day we were lucky enough to make it to 6:30.) he had to be up and completely ready by seven in order to fully convince himself by eight that he could make it to his meetings at nine dressed to impress. not to mention he had to give himself enough time to work on and recite to us (me and tpotts, my roomie) his many famous quotes which he felt gave him an edge over other potential scholarship recipients. i wish i would have had some quotes whenever i was being interviewed for my maclellan scholarship :)

so thursday night i receive an email from dr. mask, one of my community development professors, asking me to speak to the number of visiting students about my "covenant experience" along with a summary from my summer in houston. reluctantly, i agreed to do so, consequently forfeiting my friday night for a three hour meeting/lecture/boringly repetitive get-together that extended an hour longer than scheduled. anyway, i get to the meeting right on time - which at covenant means 15 minutes late - and of course they are already praying.

(i was late because the jv basketball team was playing motlow state who has several ncaa d1 players that have either earned poor grades or been in trouble with the law. they even have kevin durants - big time NBA player - cousin on their team who is 6'10" with a 40" vert and a plus 7' wing span. i swear he could take money off the backboard. in the words of j-strick, my main man on the jv, "he kicked me in my chest when he dunked on me." just note that it wasnt this guys knees hitting my mans chest, which is what normally happens when one gets dunked on, rather it was this guys toes. he literally, and i witnessed this firsthand, looked down into the rim before dunking the ball ferociously all over j-strick. i was in awe.)

okay so back to the meeting/lecture/boringly repetitive get-together where i was going to be one of several students speaking... i crept in quietly and tried to go unnoticed. i really had no idea at all what i was going to say and i actually felt myself growing quite nervous at the sight of the many students and their parents. all complete strangers to me, they looked completely intrigued and captivated by every word uttered from the lips of the professors leading this assembly. this was also slightly unnerving. i was completely bored with all of the "introduction lectures" that were being given bc i have already heard everything that was being said a good 1000 times too many. so im sitting there and before i know it people are clapping and my neighbor whispers to me - good neighbor - that im supposed to be heading to the front of the room to speak... im still dreaming of the dunk i had just witnessed.

well i didnt waste any time. as i walked to the front of the room i started talking. i told them about a dream i had just had the night before which dealt with a professor yelling at me concerning the sovereignty of God. (i kid you not... i had a dream where a professor was yelling at me, and i at him, about God's sovereignty. it was pretty funny.) by the time i get to the front of the room im almost finished with the dream and as im relaying the last of it, my mind continues to race through the different ideas and memories i could use to talk about my "covenant experience." i have no idea what to say. well i begin and to avoid boring you i wont share with you the whole speech (more so bc i dont remember what all i said... i just kinda let it flow), but it turns out that i did a really good job. a good enough job anyway to foster the question, "how has your perception of God changed through your internship?" wow... thank you miss mac scholar! arent you so intelligent with your difficult yet important question? ha.. i was stuck on stage smiling while in my mind im jumping off cliffs and diving into pools of lava. i stall for a second telling her how glad i am that she asked the question before i tell the story of my weekend "on the block" which was of course highlighted by one on one time with both a drug dealer and pimp. i told her how i never thought God could use someone like that to show me something about my faith. i then told her how i was wrong and that God did in fact use those guys to reveal himself. and although the answer proved sufficient, adequate, whatever, i left the stage feeling as if i didnt answer the question good enough.

i thought about that question for most of the night and the more i thought about it, the more i began to see how my perception of God has changed: this past summer i saw God. now He of course did not come down and physically touch me or anything, but He was there. He was there the whole time in ways i had never seen before. the beggar on the street corner, the pimp, the drug dealer, the family i stayed with, the crack heads and other druggies, the prostitutes, the homeless... all of these people are God in my eyes. they represent Christ. they are Jesus under the guise of human suffering. they need my love and i desire to have theirs. the truth is that the people ive described are just like me. they are made in His image and they are sinful by nature. they are also, just like me, hungry for love. and when i think about my own life - the many times an hour i sin against my creator only to have Him respond in love - i am convinced of this truth more and more. if i serve a God who can take all of my crap (not even talking about yours) and still love me, can i not do the same for a person in need? i have no other option. they demand my love and only selfishly will my love remain stagnant. the idea is a surrender... a surrender to love. and this surrender can only take place in a perfect love and the only place i know where to find a perfect love is in Christ. it is only there where i am relaxed enough to surrender. i wish i could stay forever, resting in His promises, in His abiding love. too bad i confuse myself with Him sometimes.

all that said... my perception has in fact changed. i wish i could have given this answer to the girl who asked the question. chances are i'll never see her again and she will never hear this answer... and maybe it doesnt matter too much bc experiences cant be shared. they can only be offered as encouragement to those listening. they are within us. they are the Spirit working in us. they present fruits of that work... and a lot of times they show me the rotten fruit too - its just kinda hanging around in my heart looking for nourishment. i long for the day when looking is no more.

ps - i am not and have never been a maclellan scholarship recipient. just thought it would be cool to be one for a page or two.