i used to dream of playing on the pba tour.

christmas break was too short. or maybe it was too long. or maybe just too good. in any case im thinking it should still be here. it was good to be home and see the family... all my brothers are growing up so fast. its kinda weird to miss out on their growth on a day to day basis but its also very rewarding to catch them unprepared in their various stages of growth and maturity. its safe to say that yates probably gave me the most to be thankful for this past holiday season. i'll let you in on that in a minute...
being back on top of lookout ive felt my mind and heart shift slightly from where it was over the holidays. already ive felt myself giving into the warm sense of security i have here. already im becoming complacent in my current state - a state where complacency should be the last of options - but nonetheless i feel my Saviors love all the same... its not exactly what i want. sometimes i actually want to feel God's wrath. like i want Him to beat me down and show me my need for Him at all times. that is until i actually start thinking about what His wrath could actually look like... ha. i guess im more than satisfied in His grace for i would have been dead long ago. still i have these feelings and ideas and questions that bounce around in my mind leaving my heart floating around aimlessly searching for something to cling to. when will i be able to finally rest in His arms? in the truth that is Him? i have no idea.

so back to yates... this break i was able to spend some time with yates that i generally dont. it was good for a number of reasons and i'll try to highlight the theme of them all: yates and i always have this battle going on over anything and everything bc of our competitive nature. it was interesting to see this competitiveness take on a slightly different mold over the holidays --> recently ive picked up bowling. i like to think im pretty good and honestly when im here at school i do okay. my scores are typically above the average mark in the group and of course that runs straight to my head. anyway, having just traded a t-shirt for a pair of bowling shoes, i was anxious to get to the bowling alley at home and try my luck. not wanting to go alone i grabbed yates and off we went. now yates is a good athlete and he generally does pretty good with most sports, but since he wasnt in the bowling shape that i am currently in, i was set on humbling him at the lanes. haha what a good big brother! - deceitfully inviting the younger to come bowling in order to satisfy my grossly narcissistic mentality... sad. so yeah, we get there and things are good. the rates were cheap and we were set to bowl for a couple hours. i was happy. the game starts and of course the lanes arent properly oiled (deduced by my very own expert opinion) and of course the ball im using isnt up to par (deduced in the same manner). needless to say i was losing. i found myself becoming very insecure. with every bowl my mind drifted to the scorecard fearing that yates would actually beat me. so a few frames late that fear became reality. yates, after having been brought to the lanes to boost my confidence and pride, reminded me that i was still placing myself above all else. not to mention he confirmed my fears of being nothing more than an average bowler. i was now mad. i wasnt happy with my score and i wasnt happy with yates for beating me. however, something (which i now recognize as the Spirit in me) allowed me to continue without saying anything out of line, without being critical of yates, and this something even directed my focus back to where it should be - on Christ and even more specifically, loving yates. we bowled for about two more hours. yates helped me see God's love as we continued our strive for perfection on the lanes... he didnt win again but that did not stop him from being supportive of me. somehow, despite my poor example and leadership, yates still enjoyed himself. im guessing he was leaning on the Lord and not on me. i just want you to know that as the afternoon wore on, i had never enjoyed competition so much with yates. we were both encouraging one another and we were both enjoying being together. it was like love. maybe it was love but that just seems weird. i mean cmon, we're still brothers. bottom line is that my brother, who i tend to think of as being below me, showed me Christ. he submitted himself, whether he knew it or not, to the sovereignty of our Father and by that he allowed the Spirit living inside of him to shine a light on my dark, selfish heart. it was truly a beautiful thing to experience. not to mention humbling.
ps - seth accompanied us to the bowling alley later in the week and i must confess that he beat me too. those of you who know seth can now feel me shrinking...